Is better really better?

I have started to wonder this recently. In recent weeks I have been so depressed that I ceased to care whether I ever got better or not. They say, and they're right, that when you're depressed you can't see anything different. Times in the past when I've been OK seem, at best, like a dream. Mostly I feel that I must have just imagined them. Rarely can I see that there is any possibility of feeling better in the future.

That's not what this is about though. I believe that I have felt good, that I have felt good relatively recently even. I also believe that today I feel very different from the way I've been over the last 10 weeks or so. The belief that I have lost is the belief that it really matters.

People say, almost to the point of cliche, that a baby's smile, a moment with the sun on their face, the ability to laugh at a joke, any one of these things makes all the suffering worthwhile. I just don't think that's true. The thing, the only thing, that makes my continued existence worthwhile is that my family and friends are not bereaved. They don't have a dead daughter, sister, friend, because I am still here. For that reason and no other am I still here, because, other than that, none of it is worthwhile.

Today I woke early and decided to make art. I have been so unable to even consider making art that this might be misconstrued as some kind of breakthrough. Making art is what I'm meant to be doing with my life after all. It's not a breakthrough in any positive sense, it's a breakdown of resistance, a defeat, and the swallowing of increased numbers of orange pills. Today I can make art, fine, but what about tomorrow? What about next week? What about in a few months? There is no way of knowing. Swallowing orange pills is no guarantee, they can push me into hypomania too.

Better isn't better because it breeds false hope. It makes me think that I can undertake a project, decide to go on holiday, promise to do something for someone, and that when the time comes I'll be able to honour my commitments. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe carrying out one of those plans is the thing that will make me ill again.

Better isn't better because it breeds false hope in others, they are so relieved and optimistic and happy that I'm doing something normal. Fair enough, but when it all falls apart again it's me who has to burst their bubble. And how can I tell them that even today, when I feel better than I have for weeks, I would still much rather not be alive.

Maybe there is some positive element to not being too attached to wellness. With wellness there usually comes fear, because, to the extent that there is pattern, I know it's unlikely to last very long. It's easy to waste a lot of well time looking over your shoulder, looking for early warning signs - which we are encouraged to do, supposedly to maintain our mental health. Maybe indifference to wellness will reduce the anxiety. Today, for example, I forgot to have a bath, twice. I woke up this morning with a project in my head. It wasn't there yesterday but within an hour of waking it was fully formed. It seemed very urgent that I start it right away so I threw on clothes, grabbed the things I needed and set off for the woods. As I left the house I remembered I hadn't had my bath. No problem, I can have it this afternoon before I go to the pub. At the appointed time I duly ran my bath, but I had a few things to do which seemed important so I got on with them while the bath ran. Mercifully I remembered to turn the taps off before it overflowed. But I was still busy so I decided to finish a few things before getting in. Next thing I knew I should have left the house ten minutes ago. I still have a bath full of cold water because I had to run out of the house to meet my friends. So was I just being scatty within the realms of normality or is it an early warning sign of going high? I don't feel inclined to worry about going high when I have been so depressed up til yesterday. And I don't know how to know the answer anyway. And even if I did, and if it is an early warning sign, wtf am I supposed to do about it? Better is not better, it's just a waiting game.