Asleep awake

I am not sure why I feel so inclined to write on a subject which is so intensely boring. Although actually the subject itself is interesting enough, it's the process which brings about the - well maybe boredom is the wrong word. The subject matter is insomnia, but maybe that's wrong too. Everyone knows that insomnia is not sleeping, what more is there to say? So it's about the effects of insomnia.

I am leaving that first paragraph mostly unedited because it's illustrative of what I'm talking about. At the moment most of everything I write has to be written disjointedly, slowly, considered, reread, rewritten because it makes no sense, and so on. Sending texts is taking me forever! I am aware that I've described my current writing practice in a way that's probably close to normality for many people, but for me writing is something that usually requires very little consideration. This struggle to get my words set down in order feels incredibly odd.

I'm not sure how long it's been this time. Time gets weirdly out of shape when so little sleeping is going on. I've had trouble sleeping from time to time over many years. More recently I had a period of sleeping quite well. At some point that changed and sleeping for about 1 to 4 hours each night became normal again. Such nights are interspersed every so often with a night when I sleep for perhaps 12 hours but through those hours I wake every 20 minutes to an hour.

It's boring partly because there is just so much time. Extra hours of wakefulness which I don't really want to fill with activity because I want to be asleep, and to give myself a chance of sleeping I do need to be in bed. It's also boring because, although I know there are people out there doing night shifts or awake for all sorts of other reasons, it's so dark and quiet that it's easy to believe I'm the only person awake. And I can't really go anywhere or ring anyone so to all intents and purposes I am the only one awake.

Insomnia is not just boring at night though, it also casts its shadow right over the day. I'm so zoned out from lack of sleep that most of the time I don't feel properly awake. I am frustratingly, annoyingly awake in the night but whether it's night or day it doesn't feel like real awake. Everything is dull, off-key, distorted somehow. Thoughts start then trail into nothing, organised activity becomes very confusing. It's like being permanently stoned. Except every so often there's a shaft of proper awakeness which is shockingly intense and stressful, like having a bright light shone in my eyes. I think this is probably just what it's like to be awake normally, but in my stunned sleepless state I have become unused to it and it's as excruciating as pins and needles.

I heard once that after a night of less than five hours sleep your reactions will be slowed to the same extent as someone who's once over the limit for drink driving. I found it hard to believe until I subsequently had a sustained period of sleeping well and realised what a difference it made. I certainly don't feel capable of anything that particularly requires me to have my wits about me at the moment.

I suppose I should own up and say that I had neither a warm bath nor a hot milky drink before I went to bed some hours ago. I have done those things before bed on occasions, though I much prefer to have a bath in the morning than right before bed. I don't do them because they don't actually make a difference, and also because I get so sick of everyone telling me at far too regular intervals that if I do these things all will be well. It's so simplistic and banal, and they all tell it like it's news.

It is now 4am, I haven't slept yet. I woke this morning at 5am having slept about 1 1/2 hours during which time I woke twice. I went to bed for a few hours earlier but thought I'd have a change of routine and get up for a couple of hours. Now I think it's time to make another attempt on sleep.